I turned twenty eight recently.  This is the first birthday that made me freak the F out.  The big three OH is looming, and I feel unbelievably under prepared.  This anxiety has triggered some introspection.  I have been pondering the lessons life has thrown my way.  I can’t help but feel that there may be a nugget of wisdom in there for someone outside of myself.  So, here we go.  Deep breath.  5 Beautiful Lessons I Discovered in my Twenties.

Life in your Twenties: it Ain’t Easy

I don’t know how i’ve managed to survive life in my twenties.  There I said it.  I have NO idea what I’m doing.  Thankfully this isn’t uncommon.  Yay, I think?  Most of the people I speak to about this, express the same sentiment.  The phrase ‘winging it‘ comes to mind.

Working your way towards thirty is friggin’ strange, especially if your brain naturally tilts toward morbidity like mine.  Thanks brain.  I don’t think i’ve mentioned this on my blog before, but I battle with high functioning depression.

It goes unnoticed more often than not because, well, I hide it.  But sometimes the worst aspects of this illness creeps out into the world.  Often in ways that make me seem like a total dick and then I hate myself just that little bit more.

via GIPHY

When your Brain is like: ‘Soooo, have you thought about death recently?’

2018 has called into question not only my own mortality, but that of my loved ones.  It has been well, quite terrifying.  I have spent many nights laid awake, frozen in fear.

The hideous hostess living in my brain is like:

‘Hey, we have a series of past mistakes to show case today.  Plus all the times you were short tempered.  As a BONUS prize we’re throwing in a preview of the mistakes you are still to make.‘

Then I’m like:

‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I’ve known twenty eight winters.  Should I have achieved more in my summers?  I do not feel ready to be a Mother.  Will I ever feel ready?  Why DID you do that?‘

GOOD NEWS THOUGH! Despite all of this terrifying age related anxiety,  I have never felt happier or this comfortable in my own skin.  Well, in the quiet moments, when my brain allows me to feel something other than shame or fear at least.  Big Lolz.

If I am being brutally honest, a large part of this delayed sense of self, is due to the sudden and crippling onset of Fibromyalgia.  In my early twenties, my whole world ground to a halt.  I had to quit my well paid job and move back home.  It was soul destroying.

The thought of losing my independence and ending up back home, was enough to send me into a downward spiral mentally.  This is NOT a pity party, I’m trying to provide context.  If there is anyone out there who has been as anxious as I have throughout life. You need to know you’re not alone.

5 Beautiful Lessons Discovered in my Twenties

Despite the hardships, the challenges and the fact I’m no where near as ‘accomplished‘ as I expected to be by this point.  I STILL feel overwhelming gratitude.

Public Service Announcement – the preamble is now OVER.  Let’s crack on with the lessons shall we.

1 – Don’t Underestimate the Power of Gratitude

After four horrible years of uncertainty and poor health, I actually have some stability in my life.  My soul finally has a place to rest.  I cringed writing that last sentence.  But it’s true so it made the final cut.  This year I have achieved so much personal growth.  It has by no means been easy, and I am so grateful for what I have.  Even if it is a small amount.

Ironically when I had a great paying job, I always wanted more.  Anything I had was never enough.  I STILL felt like a total failure, even though I was only 24 and BIG BALLIN’ with my lavish lifestyle.  Now I look back with some extra years and trauma (pahaha) under my belt, I can tell you, I was an ungrateful brat.

I feel a lot of shame when I think of this time in my life.  I was so awful to those around me.  Nothing was good enough, my lifestyle wasn’t good enough, the people in my life were not good enough. Erg.

The saddest part is, it was all a reflection of this awful internal void.  I hated myself.  Like for reals though!  I told myself I wasn’t doing well enough, I was pathetic, I needed to try harder.  But it was an endless cat and mouse game.

I would never be good enough.  That was the biggest joke of all.

If I had given my head a wobble, and stopped to take a breathe, I might have realized how lucky I truly was.  Hark! I might have even enjoyed the things I had, because I appreciate them.

2 – Embrace your True North

My true north is art, writing and laughter.  These activities give me a sense of belonging, they make me feel like I am home. When I feel at a total loss, my mind always goes to art or writing.  It helps me filter through my thoughts and create something meaningful from depressive episodes.

If you nurture your true north, it will nourish your soul.  What do you love?  What makes you unique?  Don’t run from it, embrace it. You might be surprised how much people will love your quirks, if you are vulnerable enough to express your truth even in the darkness.

A lot of the most miserable times of my twenties, came from forgetting who I was beneath all the external bullsh*t.  Sometimes you need to peel back the layers, and remember who you are and stop running.

3 – Don’t Wait for ‘Perfect’ 

Guess what?  Perfect is a nonsense word.  Whilst it’s great to have a goal to work towards, there is always more work to be done.  Things can always be better.  There could always be a better time, or a better situation, or a better outcome.

Whatever you do, please DON’T get trapped in the void of analysis paralysis.  Give yourself permission for once, to try, and most likely fail and then TRY again.  Whilst there may never be the ‘perfect’ time, there sure as hell, is no time like the present.

4 – Kindness is King

This is one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn.  Some days I let myself down mightily in this regard.  Remember earlier when I mentioned about coming across as a total dick?  Yeah.  I naturally have a REALLY short fuse.  A lot of it is hormone related, which makes it even worse, because I feel totally out of control of my emotions.

It feels as if I’m possessed by the c*ntiest of c*nts.  It’s awful, I try SO hard not to let this feeling spill outside of myself.  But often I fail and snap at an innocent by stander or two, erg of three.  A SHAME spiral then ensues followed by a few days of my brain reminding me what a piece of crap I am.

Most of the moments I wish so much I could take back, are those times when my short fuse wins out over my reason.  Nothing in this world is worth being mean to those around you.

It took me twenty eight years, but I can finally see that kindness extends outwards from your inner world.  Ease off the pressure and give yourself a break once in a while.  Life is hard enough.

For my Blogger loves out there, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!  Remember to practice Self Care.  This blogging gig gets pretty damn crazy and all consuming at times.  You deserve a rest.

5 – Nothing spends as good as saving feels

Trust me on this one.  Please, please, PLEASE be careful with your finances.  I have a full post on this, which I encourage you to read it.  It is full of good old fashioned finance tips.  It is NOT a get rich quick scheme or some kind of sales rhetoric.  It’s about paying yourself first and caring enough about your future to set money aside.  I wish I had known this stuff when I was twenty one.

I have been setting aside money all year, and I finally paid off a big chunk of my credit card.  It felt a million times better than a spending spree ever could.  Another funny thing about not earning the big bucks, you learn what you REALLY need to survive.  All the money in the world isn’t worth a life of misery.

Be cautious with your spending, set aside money and work on your inner world rather than papering the cracks with mindless spending.

You can read my previous post by clicking the image below:

Final Message

I hope that you have found something of worth within these ramblings.  From the bottom of my heart, I know how low, the lowest point feels.  Life can be soul destroying at times.  But there is a lesson in everything.  There is beauty in everything.  Hang in there and I promise you will see it.

Rach x

P.s. if in doubt ‘You Got This.‘

P.p.s. If you find my content useful and enjoy what I share, why not throw me a tip?  It’s like internet busking 🙂